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  • Writer's picturesoniabenarab


Updated: Apr 17, 2019

The other day I was on the phone at my mum’s place. I pulled a pack of crisps from my bag and put it into a bowl. Minutes later, mum came into the kitchen and noticed the bowl filled with crisps. (keep reading it gets better I promise;)

Silently, she took the bowl, showed it to me, shaking her head almost in panic left to right, mimicking her deep deep disapproval. She was telling-me-off for eating crisps because we were about to have dinner soon. Now, one thing you should know is that I am 31, I am 163cm and I weight 62kgs, sometimes 63, sometimes 61, but for the last 10 years, mostly 62kgs.

On the other hand, my mum is going to turn 57 this year, and from my earliest memory, I have known my mum trying to lose 5kgs… She is beautiful and skinnier than me, but her whole life, she has been trying to get rid of those mother fucking 5kgs. As she was trying to lose them it was almost as if she was trying to make sure I wasn’t putting on them either (as if she was gaining or losing weight whenever I was.… fucked up human’s mind). That’s what we call: transferring. She was transferring her obsession with weight AND food onto me from a very very young age.

When I hung up the phone, I sat her down and told her something that seems useless to mention but she really took it on; “You know mum, I am 31, and if I want to eat a bag of crisps, I eat a bag of crisps. You have taught me what you thought was righteous and good for me, and the decisions I make now are my owns.” Pretty straight forward. It took me a while and too much sadness to get to terms with the body of my own. Did not God create chocolate so that we can face our sadness slightly less painfully anyway?!?! Ultimately, God has created the most beautiful vehicle for us to move into, to smile, to hug, to cary, to help, to pleasure, and so much more. No matter what shape, size, colour and extra skin/spot/nipple/hair it has, it is just perfect as it is and for what is its purpose in this life. If anything, I should only feel gratitude for it.

But because of the conditioning I live in, the one my mother has lived in, and her mother, and the mother of her mother, it takes a lot of effort not to feel ashamed and guilty for the choices I make and their consequences. Knowing that this is not my fault. Knowing that what I am trying to break is so much bigger than me. Knowing, despite this all, that I am responsible for my life and the collective consciousness. Despite the hardship that it is being a woman, I am convinced that I can break the patterns. Because I know that change is possible, and that change starts with me. Also because I know my children will have to break some patterns I am probably not even aware of yet…!

To the mums, to the dads, to the daughters, to the sons, to the intersex, to the gays, to the white, to the browns, to the humans, to life!

A heartfelt thank you to Jameela Jamil for being so incredibly active, generous, eloquent, clever, beautiful and honest. You truly make a difference, at lest and for sure, in my life. <3

/// follow me on instagram for more pics and blablabla @soniabenarab

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